I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My ass is underappreciated
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
