my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
