This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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