you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
