I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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