My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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