guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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