How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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