I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
