he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
