is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You need a sexual gate keeper
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
