2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
