My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
