Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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