I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
