Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
