good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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