You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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