my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it's like iHOP with fire
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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