Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
