I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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