Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
