So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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