No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
