He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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