Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize