I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
