I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
