I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
