After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
