last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
