omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
