puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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