Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
