half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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