I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
