the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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