NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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