I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
