I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
