He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
