When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
how does that bad decision feel?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
