remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize