Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
