there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
