Don't make out with my wife yet
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
