R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
