Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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