i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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