weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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