My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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