Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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