dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
