Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
