We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize