Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
