Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
