I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
