i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
