Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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